Why “use your words” isn’t a Helpful Phrase in Parenting

Importance of Co-regulation

During a tantrum, there are two main tasks for parents; 1) keep yourself calm and 2) help your child get calm. What’s even better than only having two tasks, if you can complete task 1 often task 2 will happen automatically. This is called co-regulation. Through co-regulation you are actively showing (not telling) your child how to calm their emotions. The reason co-regulation works is because of mirror neurons in our brain. In a general sense, the mirror neurons take on the behaviors/actions of another person and makes it their own. For children, if they see their parent taking slow deep breaths, they will begin to take slow deep breaths as well. On the flip side, if our child sees us become increasingly frustrated, this will only feed into their tantrum. Co-regulation needs to continue until your child is fully calmed down. This can take a while which is why task 1, keep yourself calm, is so important. You will know when your child is and calming down (and moving out of their emotion brain) when they can follow a small, benign direction like “can you grab a tissue for me?”. Once your child is calm (regulated), a discussion about what happened and the emotion they were experiencing can be had. This is a good time to start planning with your child behaviors they can do when experiencing different large emotions. Many times our children do not know options for behavior around large emotions which is why tantrums occur.

Keeping Yourself Calm

There is no one right way to keep yourself calm. What one method works for you may not work for your spouse or the parent down the street. A skill that worked for you on the first three tantrums may not work on the 4th or 18th. Create a set of skills and practice during calm times so that when your child builds into a tantrum, you are prepared and ready. Below are 7 common skills to keep you calm:

• Take deep breaths. This keeps your blood pressure low and gives the sensation of calm.
  Start with a breath in for 5 counts and hold 5 counts. Then breathe out 5 counts and hold 5 counts. Repeat as needed.
• Hum your favorite tune in a slow and low tone. Lullabies are great for this as it mimics times that are quiet and comfortable.
• Name what you can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. This is a skill for when you really are trying to stay focused and thinking.
• Mantras such as “I am relaxed, I am calm”, “Breath in, I calm my body. Breath out, I calm my mind”, and “This is only temporary” helps you to remember your primary task.
• Grab a snack for yourself and your child. Staying calm takes energy. Food gives energy. When giving food to your child don’t ask if they want to eat it just hand them something you know they like. If they refuse that’s ok.
• Do a body scan. Close your eyes and find where your muscles are clenched and purposefully un-clench.
• Switch off with another adult. If this is a particularly long meltdown, it is okay to take a break, grab a glass of water, and share the emotional load.

If you fail in keeping your calm, just remember to give yourself some grace. No parent in the history of the world has been able to stay calm for 100% of their child’s tantrums. When the calm returns to the home, because it will, enjoy the calm and plan for next time. Work with your child on developing skills to manage their emotions. Alongside teaching them “a cow goes moo and a duck says quack”, teach them “when I’m angry I take a deep breath and when I am confused I ask for help”. These are all skills to learn and learning takes practice and repetition.