Survivors of Suicide: Grieving a Suicide Loss

Suicide is different from other deaths. Many of the feelings that others who have lost loved ones have are there; anger, sadness, despair. But shame, guilt and isolation are so much more prominent for survivors of suicide loss. Grieving the death of a loved one who took their own life is often shrouded in stigma and silenced by shame. Survivors struggle to understand, to find ways to explain what happened and are frequently tormented by the “what ifs and if onlys”. Survivors want comfort and not more questions. Often well-meaning, the questions about what happened only serve to trigger the shame and guilt and remind us of all the unanswerable questions we have about the death as well. In our attempts to manage our own pain, it is a struggle for many survivors to acknowledge to others that the death of their loved one was a suicide.

With any loss, we go through phases of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and eventually Acceptance. Much of this is the same no matter the type of loss. But anger, a normal part of the grieving process, is complicated in suicide bereavement. It is normal for survivors to experience anger at that which caused the death; cancer, a drunk driver or some other senseless tragedy. With suicide, our anger at the cause is frequently anger with the person we have lost. This is a confusing and heart wrenching experience that can complicate the healing process. Acceptance is further complicated by the societal stigma of mental illness in general. If we can’t talk about the loss, fearing judgment or shame, it makes it very hard to progress through the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

For all these reasons, support groups specifically for survivors of suicide loss are so important. Having a place where survivors can openly discuss what happened is essential for many people. Knowing that there are others that have a shared experience and that there will be understanding and compassion for them and for the loved one who died by suicide, can make all the difference.

When suicide has been in the top ten causes of death for over 40 years, and we still can’t give it the level of serious attention it deserves, we know things have to change. We need to consider mental illness a real and present issue deserving of the same level of attention and compassion that we give to victims of cancer or other illnesses. Don’t hide it. Talk about it. Together we can end the stigma.

If you have lost a loved one to suicide, or you know someone who has, there are places to seek help. Both the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the American Association for Suicidology have numerous resources to help those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

http://www.supportaftersuicide.org.au/
https://fvinstitute.com/services/survivors-and- bereavement-support/

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is grief after a suicide loss so different?

Along with sadness and anger, survivors of suicide loss often carry intense guilt, shame and unanswered questions. Stigma can make it harder to talk openly, which can leave people feeling isolated in their grief.

Is it normal to feel guilt or anger after losing someone to suicide?

Yes. Many survivors replay what if and if only thoughts or feel anger toward the person who died. These feelings are a common part of grieving a suicide loss and do not mean you are to blame.

How can I support someone who has lost a loved one to suicide?

Offer your presence and listen without judgment, use their loved one's name, avoid probing for details about the death, and keep checking in over the following months, not just the first few weeks.

Why are suicide loss support groups helpful?

Being with others who have lived through the same kind of loss can ease isolation and shame, and offers understanding that friends and family may not be able to give.

Where can survivors of suicide loss get help?

Fox Valley Institute offers grief and bereavement counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 or call 911 right away.

Additional Resources:

https://fvinstitute.com/survivors-of-suicide/
https://fvinstitute.com/resilience-the-ability-to-bounce-back/
https://fvinstitute.com/grieving-our-heartfelt-response-to-a-major-loss/