How to Deepen Your Connection with your Partner


Are you looking for ways to feel closer to your partner?  Intimacy between you and your partner is critical to keeping the bonds strong.  It is always important to determine what may be causing the disconnect between you two and try to problem-solve around that issue as well.  There are various reasons that can lead to a disconnect but many couples get ‘stuck in a rut’ and simply forget or lose sight of what makes them feel close to one another. 

Intimacy is the feeling of being close to another and a sense of belonging together.  Sustaining intimacy for a length of time requires both emotional and interpersonal awareness.  Partners need to be able to exist both separate and together as participants in their intimate relationship.

It is important to know that intimacy in your relationship will naturally go through stages.  There is no set course for these stages but it may be helpful to identify where you feel you may fall.

  • Infatuation– the “I just met the love of my life” stage.  Infatuation will ebb and flow during this stage but you may find that you just cannot get enough of each other.
  • Landing– the “oh no, who did I marry?” stage.  Landing is when infatuation lifts and clarity of every day living comes in.  Landing can feel turbulent and at times glide smoothly but, at the end of the day, you come home to one another.
  • Burying– the “did I even see you yesterday, I don’t remember?” stage.  Burying is when the business of life takes over; kids, laundry, jobs, endless to do lists, home care, etc.  Burying is good in that you are reminded your relationship is real but you will need to take some time to try to unbury and let intimacy resurface.
  • Resurfacing– the “wow I forgot how much I love you! “ stage- in this stage your relationship can get a ‘jolt’ or ‘reality check’ that brings it back to life and makes it a priority again.  Resurfacing allows you to resolve to one another to build closeness again.
  • Love- the “I love you more then I every thought I could” stage- it is in this stage partners typically realize ‘how good they have it’ and ride the wave of love together.

Making a relationship work means just that, doing the ongoing work your relationship will demand. 

The following are some tips to enhance closeness between you and your partner:

  1. Set goals together– no matter what the goal, working together as a team can strengthen love and closeness.
  2. Put the stuff away– technology, toys, television, etc.  take some time to just be with one another instead of always having a third ‘person’ hanging out with you and your partner.  This would give you both the opportunity to look at one another while having a discussion, what a great way to strength connection by looking into your partner’s eyes.
  3. Create a new tradition or rehab the old one- is there something that both always loved doing together that you can start back up again? Or perhaps a new tradition you can create together?
  4. Be spiritual together– praying or meditating together is an excellent way to build closeness.
  5. Check in with each other every day– make this a party of your daily schedule.
  6. Have a bed time routine you can stick to– this is especially helpful with children.  Once you put the kids to bed set a routine that works for you both where you can build closeness.
  7. Have a date night– just you two giving focused attention to one another can be a great way to feel close and have fun!
  8. Look for the best– do not speak bad about your partner; find a way to focus on their strengths rather then their weakness.

And do not forget, you can go to therapy together!  Do not hesitate to utilize the resource of having an objective person helping you both learn to communicate better, sort through the cause to the disconnect and determine how to build closeness again.