5 Tips for Blended Families

The myth is the blended family bonds quickly

The truth is, it requires an enormous amount of time, an enormous amount of work, and an enormous amount of love and self-sacrifice. The following suggestions will help your two families blend more easily.

1. Form relationships.

Get to know each child before you even start thinking about the discipline aspect of this new relationship. The biological parent should do the disciplining in the beginning. Spend time with each child getting to know their likes, dislikes, fears, hopes, and dreams. Allow them to choose the activity and participate with little criticism or comment. Children respond more quickly when they feel accepted, safe, secure, and loved.

Do not try to be a replacement for their biological parent. Honor the absent parent. They may be grieving this relationship and resent the time you spend with their mother or father. You may be ready for a new relationship but they may not. They were not looking for a new parent, you were.

2. Give them space.

The best move is into a house that is new for both families. There is no new stranger encroaching on anyone’s turf. If this is not possible, give each child their own room if you can. Children need their own space to process and to have some alone time.

Forcing children to room with others who only a short time ago were total strangers is very stressful.

3. One-of- a-kind.

Assist each child as they find where they “fit” in this newly created family. A son, for example, who used to be the oldest may now be the youngest. He may find it difficult adjusting to losing his position in the family structure. Continue to spend time with your biological children that is separate from your new children to remind them how much they are loved.

If you treat all the children as if they were all the same, they will lose their uniqueness and the feeling that they are special.

4. Lower expectations.

Give this process lots and lots of time. Start establishing the relationship with all the children long before you remarry. On average it takes two to four years to establish family history. Do not expect them to immediately love this new parent who is now competing for your time and affection. Many children lose a parent to death or divorce. They may have had to change homes, schools, and churches. Their support system that consisted of their sports team, youth group, or grandparents may be too far away to visit as often. It takes time to adjust to all of these changes that have turned the lives of your children upside down.

5. Make new traditions.

Create experiences that involve all members of the new family. Take some traditions from each family and blend them into new traditions that are unique to the newly formed family. This creates feelings of belonging. Establishing your own traditions communicates to all the children, you are accepted and loved.

Be patient with the timeline. Blending a family is not a single event but a process that often takes years, and each person moves through it at their own pace. A child who seems to warm up quickly may pull back around a birthday, a holiday or a move between homes, and that is normal. Small, steady rituals tend to build trust more than big gestures: a weekly family dinner, a one-on-one outing between a stepparent and stepchild, a new tradition you create together. If tension keeps returning to the same places, family therapy can give everyone a safe place to be heard.

Reference:

Karney, B.R., Garvan, C.W., & Thomas, M.S. (2003). Published report by the University of Florida: Family Formation in Florida: 2003 Baseline Survey of Attitudes, Beliefs, and Demographics Relating to Marriage and Family Formation. These findings were replicated in two other state representative samples.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take for a blended family to bond?

Much longer than most people expect. Blending a family often takes several years of patience, consistent effort and realistic expectations, so slow progress is normal.

Should a stepparent discipline stepchildren?

At first, it usually works best for the biological parent to handle discipline while the stepparent focuses on building a warm relationship. Discipline from a stepparent is more accepted once trust is established.

How can a stepparent build a relationship with stepchildren?

Spend one-on-one time getting to know each child, show interest in what they enjoy, be patient with resistance, and do not try to replace their other parent.

Is it better for a blended family to move into a new home?

When possible, a home that is new to everyone can help, because no one feels like a guest in someone else's space. Giving each child some personal space also helps.

When should a blended family consider counseling?

If conflict between stepparents and children, co-parents, or the couple keeps growing, family therapy can help everyone adjust. Fox Valley Institute offers family counseling in Naperville and by telehealth across Illinois. Call (630) 718-0717 to get started.

Additional Resources:

How to Support My Teen in a Blended Family

Can Family Therapy Navigate the Complexities of Blended Families?

Stepfamily Life

Improving Togetherness by Making Family Time a Scheduled Event

Setting Boundaries Can Bring a Family Closer

How to Manage Different Parenting Styles in Marriage

Family Therapy at Fox Valley Institute