Five Ways to Fire Up Your Sex Life

Women, are you seeking emotional support from your partner?  Men, are you craving to feel desired and appreciated? Below are steps couples can easily integrate into their daily lives to get things sizzling and improve intimacy.

 

 

  1. Fan The Flames By Flirting

Flirt with each other throughout the day. Start thinking of foreplay as more than just physical touch or direct assertions. Consider how to display affection to your partner through your everyday actions based on their Love Language. (Not sure what your Love Languages are? Take the test here: www.5lovelanguages.com)

 

  1. Create Sparks By Using Physical Contact

Practice non-assuming touch. Find ways to come into physical contact with your partner throughout the day that does not assume that you are initiating sex. Gently rub their back while you walk past them, brush their hair away from their face, touch their hand while you’re talking, offer a foot or back massage. Give your partner a full kiss and hug at each parting and greeting.

 

  1. Keeping Things Hot

Sex really does start in the kitchen. One way of increasing your sense of closeness is to complete shared responsibilities and tasks together to reinforce the security of the relationship. Studies show that women who feel that their partner equally contributes around the house are more sexually satisfied. Women in turn can find ways throughout the day of expressing appreciation and desire for their partner.

 

  1. Make It Steamy In The Bedroom

Create a sanctuary in your bedroom. You know that iconic scene in movies where the couple pushes off all the paperwork on the desk and makes love in the messy office? My experience working with couples leads me to believe that is unrealistic. Create a space in your bedroom that allows you to focus on nothing but you and your partner. Remove any work, reading materials, televisions or computers. Close the closet if it is not organized. Bring any laundry to the laundry room and if necessary throw that laundry off the bed!

 

  1. Igniting The Passion With Self Care

Take care of yourself.  Stress prevents us from being truly present with one another. When our mind is in a tizzy, our body doesn’t get the message to relax. Encourage one another to practice self-care, such as taking time for individual therapy, massage, exercise, or enjoying a hobby.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kate Fish, LMFT

                                                            To read her full bio please click here.

Related articles:

https://fvinstitute.com/article/truth-honesty-relationships/

https://fvinstitute.com/communication-relationships/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/5-ways-prevent-affair/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/healing-marriages-affair-repair-spouse-hurt/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/love-enough-make-good-marriage/

 

 

An Expert Interview About Discovering Your Vision

 

Dr. Laura Bokar, LCPC, LMFT, ACS

Fox Valley Institute

 

Dr. Laura Bokar is the CEO and Founder of the Fox Valley Institute. She started FVI with one person (herself), and now has a phenomenal team of experienced therapists with many different specialties. In the world of therapy, she is quite a visionary and advocate for the community.

 

 

Her unique philosophy revolves around the principles of “Growth & Contribution.”

Dr. Laura has learned that fulfillment in life and business is found in relationships. Most counseling sessions revolve around the relationships in the patients’ lives; there’s often hurt or need for repair in relationships, whether it is a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, co-worker, or boss. Nearly everyone wants to connect or love someone(s), and this is an important part of being fulfilled in life. Two other aspects that create truly fulfilled people are continued growth and contribution. Growth can occur through literature, education, and/or trying new experiences. Contribution allows individuals to give back to a community, organization, and/or person. When one loves, grows, and contributes that person finds true fulfillment. Incorporate those values in your business, and it will not only provide fulfillment, but a well-respected business in your area of expertise and in your community.

When faced with any challenge, Dr. Laura knows how to “seek direction from people she trusts before stepping into uncertainty.”

With over two decades of experience as a marriage and family therapist, Dr. Laura was able to “see the needs in the profession that were not being filled.” Her understanding of the needs progressed as she grew in her career. Before she began her new journey of building Fox Valley Institute she received counsel from people she trusted.  She then decided to move forward.  She was confident in moving forward into her new adventure of uncertainty and created a practice that has made her a genuine trailblazer in her field.

“It’s about innovation! What else is out there that will help the process of wellness?”

Research shows that “clients leave with the therapist’s values.”  At Fox Valley Institute, the therapists work hard to care for themselves and maintain a balanced life. This means following what it takes to have a fulfilled life – creating healthy relationships, growing, and contributing. Dr. Laura is intentional about having healthy relationships in the practice. They resolve conflicts, have direct communication, and celebrate with each other. In their team meetings, they learn about the newest innovative techniques, inform each other on the latest research and discuss organizations in the Naperville community that can help them help others. Fox Valley Institute also gives back to the community in many ways; they support many organizations financially, volunteer their time and talents, and provide an opportunity for the next generation of therapists by supervising interns.

She encourages women to “acknowledge the potential and gifts in themselves and in others.”

Dr. Laura is constantly learning.  She thirsts for knowledge so that she can contribute to individuals, families, companies, and the community she loves. She understands that life is a generous gift, and no matter one’s age or position the most fulfilled lives have healthy relationships, growth opportunities, and contributions to society.

TO-DO:  Discover your Vision; Seek Counsel from People You Trust; Develop a Plan; Take the Risk by Jumping into the World of Uncertainty; Create the Opportunity Your Heart has been Calling You Towards; Continue to Grow; and, Generously Give Back!

By: Erin Doepel Wikstrom, CFP®

Raymond James & Associates, Inc., Member New York Stock Exchange/SIPC Raymond James is not affiliated with Dr. Laura Bokar or Fox Valley Institute.

 

 

Additional information you may find of interest:

https://fvinstitute.com/bio/laura-bokar/

https://fvinstitute.com/announcing-dr-laura-bokars-election-loaves-fishes-community-services-board-directors/

https://fvinstitute.com/news-info/dr-laura-bokar-elected-serve-board-illinois-association-marriage-family-therapy/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/enhancing-self-esteem/

 

 

Are You Analyzing Me Right Now?

When people ask me what I do for a living and hear that I’m a Clinical Psychologist, I often hear “Are you analyzing me right now?” I often laugh, but secretly wish that I had the kind of mental powers that the X-Men’s Professor Xavier has to get inside people’s heads. Or maybe Luke Skywalker’s Jedi mind tricks!  Even though I don’t have those special powers, I do have some unique tools.  Kind of like what Batman has in his tool belt.  These tools allow me to help people understand themselves in new ways so they can pursue healthy relationships, get the treatment they need, and/or thrive in school and work settings. These tools are a range of cutting-edge psychological tests that can be used in a variety of ways. Here are some examples of the psychological assessments we provide at the Fox Valley Institute:

 

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Evaluations

The 6-year-old boy ran out to the waiting room after a morning of testing to excitedly tell his mom about the colored blocks he assembled, the funny headband he wore during a boring test, and the pictures he drew during the assessment. Unbeknownst to him, these various tasks were helping us to understand whether he has ADHD and learning problems. For parents and teachers concerned about problems with concentration and with constantly being “on the go,” we can use cutting edge technologies to clarify how normative this is and what interventions may be helpful.

Intelligence and Achievement Testing

The young adult anxiously considered going to college after taking a semester off following her high school graduation. She acknowledged that she had struggled with test taking throughout middle and high school, and wondered if this would continue to be a problem if she went on to college. Through the use of intelligence and achievement tests, we were able to determine that she would indeed be able to succeed if given accommodations such as having extra time and a quiet setting to take her tests. Encouraged to advocate for herself with the use of this testing report, she considered new possibilities for her future.

Diagnostic Evaluations

The teenager and her parents expressed some surprise and relief at the results. In various ways they expressed, “Now I get why that medication and therapy wasn’t helping!” After several attempts to treat a certain mental health diagnosis with a particular type of medication, the psychological assessment led to a different conclusion about what diagnosis best described the teenager’s struggles. This allowed us to collaborate with her psychiatrist and therapist to modify her treatment.

Personality Assessments

His wife smiled and gave him a knowing glance; he grimaced a little but nodded in agreement too. We were part way through the husband’s assessment feedback session when the couple seemed to understand each other in a new way. With a fuller description of his personality, the husband was better able to articulate some of the reasons why he responds to his wife in the way he does, and she offered more acceptance rather than frustration in knowing this. They expressed new hope in returning to their marital therapy after having felt “stuck” for some time.

Adoption Evaluations

The couple eagerly entered the office, thinking months ahead about traveling overseas to meet their adoptive child. As part of the long list of appointments and paperwork they were enduring to get to that joyful destination, they participated in a brief personality assessment to confirm that they were psychologically fit to be adoptive parents. The test results were an opportunity to celebrate the unique strengths they could offer their new family member, as well as be aware of some areas that may be more challenging for them as their family expanded.

For more information about psychological testing, please contact Dr. Brian Post at 630-718-0717 x 208 or drbrian@fvinstitute.com. Self pay and Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance accepted.

Additional information you may find of interest:

https://fvinstitute.com/article/attention-deficits-living-with-add-and-adhd/

https://fvinstitute.com/services/psychological-testing/

https://fvinstitute.com/bio/dr-brian-post/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/recognize-person-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/depression-checklist/

https://fvinstitute.com/article/stress-and-anxiety-disorders/

Open Letter: Fox Valley Institute Stands by Those Affected By Tragedy

Joe Dubowski, MS, LMFT

Responding to the Shooting in Las Vegas

Our country, and the world, has been racked with pain over the last week and a half as we’ve heard about the horrible mass shooting that occurred in Las Vegas, Nevada. Nearly 60 people had their lives taken that night and hundreds more suffered gunshot wounds and other injuries requiring hospitalization. Stories of heroism, as well as tragedy have been shared, and for days the event has been at the forefront of the media’s attention. Repeated video exposure of the gunfire and people running in fear for their lives has made us vicariously experience the horror and brought the impact of the shooting in our own homes and workplaces. The effects of the shooting, as a result, go much farther than just those present that evening who lived through it.

For this reason, it is fitting for us to write about what we can do in response to this event to protect ourselves from its negative effects. Having lived through such an event myself, as a father of one of the victims of such a shooting, I am aware of the trauma brought on by such events. As a mental health professional, I can offer some advice to help you cope with this news, as well as provide practical help for those who experienced it first or second hand.

Suggestions for Those Affected Second Hand

First of all, we can all benefit by protecting ourselves from over-exposure to the messages and images that maintain the presence of this tragedy in our lives. We can do this, by turning off our televisions and radios when coverage of the shooting is part of the broadcast. The risk to our well-being from seeing and hearing the story over and over again far outweighs the benefit of keeping up with the latest in the death toll and details about the shooter. The repeating of the story and thinking of what happened on an hourly or even daily basis can exaggerate our sense that the world is a dangerous place. This has the potential to increase our anxiety, distrust, anger, and depression.

Instead, focus on what is going on in your own life and in your own community, giving thanks for what is good and pleasant in your life, and by working on improving those things in your personal life that are meaningful to you. For most of us, the world is a much more beautiful and harmonious place than the news media communicates. We are not criticizing the news media; we are merely saying that their job is not to give us the complete picture that we actually need to live by. It is up to us to put the news in perspective.

Suggestions for Those Affected First Hand

For those who know people whose lives were directly affected by the shooting and want to know how to help and support them, here are a few helpful things to keep in mind and to do:

  • Grief is a normal reaction to losses of many kinds. It is not a flaw or weakness. Grieving people are not broken (though their hearts may feel that way). Thus, grieving people do not need to be fixed; they need to be listened to with respect, kindness, and empathy.
  • Each loss is unique. Comparing what you have been through with what they are feeling is like comparing apples with motorcycles. Similarly, being told by someone “I know how you feel” shuts down conversation and does nothing to help the person you want to help. It can lead that person to feel more isolated and discourages them from telling their story.
  • Many grieving people want to tell their story. They just haven’t found the person who will show an interest and have the ability to listen (without analyzing, giving advice, or comparing losses). If someone you care about does not want to talk, that is also okay. Just let them know you care and will be there when they need you. Then be sure to be there when they reach out.
  • Avoid clichés. Time worn and inaccurate statements like “Just keep busy,” “You never get over the loss of a child,” and “It just takes time” may lead to putting off getting support when they really need the help and encouragement to heal.

Finally, be encouraged it is possible for people to recover from events such as the shooting in Las Vegas, to experience growth in their lives, a deepening of relationships, and a greater appreciation for the daily blessings of life. It is our hope at Fox Valley Institute that you will experience these things in your life, and feel confident in knowing you can always call on us.

Are your Thoughts and Behaviors Limiting You?

When you are literally pulling your hair out, finding yourself constantly and compulsively checking if your front door is locked, or perseverating endlessly on an experience, it may be time to explore if OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is at the root of these behaviors.

 

Definition of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:

The International OCD Foundation defines Obsessive-Compulsive as a mental disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), and behaviors that drive them to do something over and over (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts.

Characteristics/Symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

• Repeated unwanted ideas, thoughts, or imagery
• Fear of contamination
• Aggressive impulses
• Persistent sexual thoughts
• Thoughts that you might be harmed or cause someone else harm
• Religious and moral fears
• Extreme need for symmetry or exactness

Prevalence of OCD in the United States:

• 1 in 40 adults
• 1 in 100 children

Concurrent Conditions associated with OCD:

• Anxiety Disorders
• Major Depressive Disorder
• Bi-Polar Disorder
• Attention Deficit /
• Hyperactivity Disorder
• Tic Disorders / Tourette Syndrome (TS)
• Body Dysmorphic Disorder
• Hoarding Disorder
• Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Excoriation (skin picking) Disorder
• Trichotillomania (hair pulling) Disorder
• Feeding / Eating Disorders

Benefits of testing for OCD:

While testing isn’t always necessary, a clinical psychologist may conduct psychological testing to determine the impact the OCD symptoms are having on the individual’s ability to function. A comprehensive psychological assessment provides feedback on the strengths and limitations of the individual. Psychological testing can help lead to a diagnosis and addressing the underlying factors of a problem. Following testing, accurately tailored treatments and interventions can be recommended.

Additional assessment factors to consider:

Since there can be a genetic component, a family mental health history should be gathered along with identifying what medications have and have not been useful to treat the family members’ OCD. Further exploring the family stressors that may exacerbate the OCD symptoms can be very beneficial.

A medical health history should be conducted for someone with OCD, especially in children and adolescents. Something that is quite different from Pediatric OCD is the appearance of Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders (PANDAS/PANS) in this situation, OCD symptoms often emerge as a result of an infection, such as strep. Rather than developing gradually, this relatively rare sub-type of OCD manifests as a sudden appearance of OCD symptoms in children following an infection.

FVI DIGEST: OCD CASE STUDY

Dana is a 10 year old, white, 4th grade female. She lives at home with her mother, father, twin brothers, age 5, and her 12 year old sister. She noted experiencing a lot of unwanted ideation about symmetry and germs. She also has rigid nighttime rituals that are time consuming and impact her family. She’s a good student, who’s highly motivated, but her worries about germs have contributed to her not wanting to attend school. She attempts to minimize the anxiety about germs by washing her hands after she touches what she believes to be a contaminated object. She will wash her hands up to four times repeatedly which has led to red chapped skin. At school reading and writing have become time intensive because the OCD is demanding she balance her gaze by looking at one side of a book, and then the other for equal time. She gets mentally distracted by adding up the number of letters in words and reorganizing the words based on an even/odd pattern. Teachers describe her as having attention deficit. During her bedtime routine, she includes many rigid rituals like having to say good night in both a certain way and number of times, applying lotion in a particular fashion that includes pumping the lotion bottle two times, and organizing the blankets in a certain manner. She refuses to go to sleep if her parents are not home, thus her parents miss out on social events. Prior to her parents having an explanation of OCD for Dana’s behaviors, her parents viewed her behavior as defiant and disrespectful. OCD sends out a loud message for symmetry, so if her parents kiss her on one side of her face they need to balance it with a kiss on the other side of her face. If a person touches one of Dana’s arms, Dana will then need to touch the other arm in the same place. Dana has also experienced physical complications like teeth grinding at night, stomach pain, constipation, headaches, and irritated skin.

Dana has learned to view her OCD as a brain hiccup and to not feel guilt for her quirky behaviors. She named her OCD, “stupid thoughts” and she began to boss these “stupid thoughts” back, telling the thoughts she won’t respond to them or allow them to control her behavior. Dana learned diffusion techniques to externalize thoughts and to see the thoughts come and go, like leaves on a stream, allowing her a visual image to encourage flexibility and acceptance. Another technique that assisted Dana was learning to be “in the moment” and use her senses of smell, taste, touch, hearing, and sight to let go of being the “thinking self” and learn to be the “observing self”. Virtual Reality Therapy was beneficial in assisting with Exposure and Response Prevention. Dana visualizes someone touching something that to her was “contaminated” and then the person would proceed to go to lunch without washing their hands. To help her stay calm through the visualization exercise, Dana was taught deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. Dana was then able to utilize these calming strategies in her day to day activities. Eventually, she was able to practice Exposure and Response Prevention on her own. She is now able to touch a “contaminated” surface and not have to run immediately to the sink to wash her hands. Ultimately, Dana was able to go to school and not feel she had to respond to her obsessive thinking. Since her parents were seeing improvements in Dana they trusted she can regulate some of the distressful thoughts, which allowed Dana’s parents to feel more comfortable having date nights and trusting things would be ok.

Treatment for OCD:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the treatment modality which is the form of treatment recommended by National Institute of Mental Health, Mayo Clinic, and Harvard Medical School. CBT involves techniques related to Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) and Cognitive Therapy. When you recognize that your behaviors may be becoming problematic and disruptive, a critical first step is reaching out to a qualified therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. They are here to help you. Break the stigma surrounding mental health by becoming more cognizant of these conditions. Once awareness exists, you can help yourself or support others in seeking out services.

OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Is There Help For Ocd?

What Happens When Pizza and Netflix is Your Way to Survive the School Year?

Dear Student,

Welcome back to school! Whether you are looking forward to it or anticipating it with trepidation, there is a high level of excitement.  A new school year brings opportunities and challenges in balancing transition issues, academic pursuits, college life, home, and family. At this point in the year, you probably have a fair amount of adrenaline (and maybe caffeine) powering you through the day.

As I send my clients off to college each fall, I emphasize one point above all else: Watch out for the October Slide! Towards the end of September, the excitement draws to an end and reality sets in. The tests are more difficult, conflicts may be arising with roommates, and the colder darker days of winter are fast approaching. The steady diet of fast food, late nights, and lack of techniques to manage your stress may make the pressures you’re feeling seem overwhelming. These factors often result in an increase in depression and anxiety. Your impulse may be to curl up in bed and binge on pizza and Netflix while waiting for the semester to end. The October Slide can be prevented with your actions in September. I’m challenging you to be proactive.

Are you up for it? Take care of your health by following the simple acronym – MEDSS and my other recommendations below.

M – Take MEDICATION as prescribed

E – EXERCISE

D – Follow a healthy DIET

S – Get sufficient SLEEP

S – Nourish your SOUL, be it in finding solace in your faith, nature, art, yoga or any activity that helps you to feel more relaxed and grounded

Develop a routine that keeps you healthy and organized. Write down your goals, and then use a planner to map out your week. Schedule your study time, work outs, and meals in advance. This planning time may seem taxing; I assure you it’s a great habit to form. It will help you to feel more focused and ultimately better.

Establish your support network. Check in with your family, friends, therapist, and mentors, even when things are going well. If you find yourself feeling more stressed or down than usual, make an appointment with your therapist. If you do not have one, seek one out before the symptoms become overwhelming. The important thing is to stay connected. If you’re struggling to make friends, find a club, activity, volunteer position, or job that will provide you the opportunity to contribute and surround yourself with other like-minded individuals.

Have fun in moderation. For some people, it can be tempting to say yes to every party, tailgate, or social gathering. Overdoing these things will wreak havoc on your health, leaving you drained, more prone to getting sick, and feeling anxious and depressed. Know your limits and give your body break. These breaks should also include making time for yourself away from technology:  your phone, social media, and video games. Recognize your own personal need for time to yourself in an open space – allow yourself that break.

Your actions right now determine how the stressors impact you as you face and conquer the challenges a new school year brings. Believe in yourself and acknowledge that others care about you and are there to help if you need it.

Parents, here are three simple things you can do to help your student right now:

  • Check in with your student about their emotional wellbeing and the stressors they are facing.
  • Offer support in helping your student establish healthy and productive routines.
  • Assist in connecting your student with professional support if that will be beneficial.

Therapists at Fox Valley Institute are offering Telehealth services to their current clients, who are away at school in the state of Illinois. You will need to verify with your insurance provider that video conference (Telehealth) services are covered. Let us know if we can be of support in any way.

Sincerely,

Cindy Baleskie, MA, LCPC

 

 

 

 

 

 

Additional information you may find of interest:

What Are The Causes Of Depression?

Depression Checklist

Some Healthy Pleasures

Social Anxiety – Overcoming Shyness

When You Feel Overwhelmed and Unmotivated

At times it may seem necessary to put off doing things we categorize as unpleasant, difficult, painful, time consuming, or relatively unimportant. In many situations “holding off” on an activity can prove to be more beneficial than problematic. We may consciously decide to delay the execution of a task when we know more time will be available. In this type of circumstance, putting a responsibility “on hold” will yield better results.

Procrastination, on the other hand is consistently delaying responsibilities that should be completed. This is an automatic behavior that can govern how one lives, works, and interacts with people. While procrastination is often joked about, it is no laughing matter. Many have suffered unpleasant consequences in their relationships, school, and work. Often times, people find themselves overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed, and anxious if they are unsuccessful in changing their procrastination tendencies. People also may begin buying into labels that they are “lazy” and “unmotivated” which further encourages procrastination in other area of their lives.

There is hope for overcoming this daunting habit! Here are some deeper insights into the behavior of procrastination.

• Procrastination is rewarding. Unpleasant feelings associated with a task diminish if the task is avoided, bringing a rewarding sense of relief. Later, one may rush to complete their avoided task at the last minute and face criticism from others about their choice to avoid the task. These are negative consequences associated with putting a task off. We experience these negative consequences separately from the initial choice of delaying something. Since we tend to experience the immediacy of the reward from putting off that task as separate from the consequence, it is the reward that builds the habit.

• When someone occasionally puts off doing something, they weigh the pros and cons of doing so, and are cognizant of the justification of their choice. In contrast, when someone procrastinates, it tends to be done habitually. Many times procrastinating is used to avoid feelings associated with the task. Procrastination is automatic, like a habit, it is done without conscious reflection.

• Procrastination comes in many forms, a simple behavior with complex and diverse triggers.

A.) Criticism or Perfectionism- The fear one may face of being criticized by others if they don’t do something perfectly.
B.) Overwhelmed – The task is perceived as overwhelming, often because it’s unfamiliar.
C.) Fear or Pain – The task involves some form or fear of pain, perhaps physical, emotional, or psychological that the individual would rather not face.
D.) Resentment- When asked to do something, the individual may feel they can’t control the situation, for example putting off filing taxes. The act of putting the item off is how one exerts control.

Do you want to break this habit? Here are some questions and suggestions that may help.

What are the feelings I have associated with the task? Keeping a procrastination log can be an effective tool that can help you be aware of the start of the procrastination cycle. Write down the feelings related to tasks that you have a tendency to avoid.

What is the immediate pay off for procrastinating? Record in the journal your initial feelings. Did doing something else make you feel more empowered or less anxious?

What did I do in place of the unpleasant task? This activity is often a reward in and of itself.

What are the long-term consequences of putting a task off? Log the after-effects of avoiding a responsibility. This helps to better tie the negative consequences to the habit.

With many habits that you seek to change, having someone to support you in this endeavor can be incredibly beneficial. This person may be a friend, family member, co-worker, significant other, therapist or life coach. This individual should provide support without labeling or criticizing you as you work through understanding and changing your habits. Having an individual to help you through can speed the process along and helps you build back your self-esteem and confidence.

Additional Reading:

Why Do We Procrastinate?

Making the Most of Our Life Transitions

Worry, Worry

Stress and Anxiety Disorders

FVI July/August Newsletter

Why Do We Procrastinate?

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.”
The Earl of Chesterfield
December 26, 1749

Almost everyone has been afflicted by procrastination at one time or another – that nagging menace that compels us to put things off for another day, another time. For some people this is a persistent problem, and for others it appears in only some areas of their lives. The result, though, is the same for everyone – increased anxiety, wasted time, poor performance, missed opportunities, guilt, excusing ourselves, and avoiding people who depend on us. There are better ways of dealing with the demands of our everyday lives. Procrastination is not a trivial problem – it causes suffering for many people.

Who is likely to procrastinate? There is no research evidence that gender and intelligence have anything to do with a tendency to procrastinate. Age may have something to do with it. One research study finds that procrastination peaks in the middle to late twenties, decreases for the next forty years, and then increases again in the sixties. Other research finds that people who feel overwhelmed and cannot readily calm down tend to put things off.

READ THE REMAINDER OF THIS NEWSLETTER HERE

Announcing Dr. Laura Bokar’s Election to the Loaves and Fishes Community Services Board of Directors

(Naperville, IL – August 1, 2017) Loaves and Fishes Community Services 2017 welcomes Dr. Laura Bokar, CEO of Fox Valley Institute for Growth and Wellness to serve her first term on the Board of Directors.

Dr. Laura Bokar is pleased to bring to Loaves and Fishes Community Services her passion, energy and commitment to helping people grow in their lives and relationships. She will offer her guidance to assist Loaves and Fishes Community Services in their mission to end hunger and empower the lives of those in need in our community. Together the Board will effectively evaluate the achievability of these objectives as well as market the organization.

Read Full Press Release Here

Create the Marriage You Desire or Life Will Do It for You

“We are most alive when we’re in love”

-John Updike

 

Dr. Laura Bokar, LMFT, LCPC, ACS

“Life is Difficult” reads the opening line of Dr. M. Scott Peck’s book, The Road Less Traveled. As a marriage and family therapist, I wholeheartedly agree. In regards to relationships, I would add the phrases: messy and complicated. Yet a healthy relationship is worth enduring struggles and working through the complications.

Many experiences in our lives make us feel happy and sad. Our relationships have the ability to allow us to enjoy happiness and find fulfillment. With marriages being the most important relationship in our lives, we need to know more about how to design the relationships we desire and not solely rely on what we learned from our parents.

When we set about designing a beautiful home with our spouses, we discuss all the details. These details include the size, paint colors, floors, ceilings, rooms, stairs, entry ways, as well as windows, lighting, curtains, door knobs, hooks, furniture, and landscaping. We share with our partner, our desires, likes, and dislikes. We discuss each room, and the exact way we want it to look. We spend hours each day over the course of months creating our dream home. I mention this example, because I find that couples spend more time designing their homes, careers, and debating on the model of their cars than they do investing time into designing the marriages they desire.

There is a belief that a good marriage will fall into place “naturally”. Now if we believed that the homes we are designing would be created “naturally,” I don’t think many people would be pleased with the outcome. Guess what? Not many couples are happy when they think about the outcome of where their marriages are going. That is a good thing. When they take the time to recognize the marriage is not heading in the direction they’d like, they can decide to change it. When one decides it is time to make a change – that is the first step!

There is a plan one can follow when they decide they want to redesign their marriage.  The next step is to make certain we are first taking care of ourselves. Yes, it may sound strange that we need to focus on ourselves first to improve our marriage, however it is true. To have an extraordinary and healthy marriage, it needs to start with two extraordinary and healthy individuals.

To start, one needs to assess five areas of their lives; health and fitness, emotional intelligence, intellectual growth, character, and spiritual development. In the assessment, one needs to honestly review each area and determine if changes need to be made. The main question should be – How do I want to be different in each area in order to be the person I know I can be. When we are feeling healthy, emotionally intelligent, learning new things, strong in our character, and feeling spiritually fit, we are in a better place and capable of being a better spouse.

After one has designed a plan for themselves, then the design for the marriage can occur. This would be the time to come together and decide what you want your marriage to look like in all areas. How do you want to grow as a couple? What are the things you want?   What experiences do you want to share together? What type of environment do you strive to create? What is the vision of your marriage – romantically, intelligently, emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Start investing the time and energy designing the extraordinary relationship you know you want.

This may be the first time many start to think about designing their marriage. Yet, if we think about it, it does make sense. Initiate a conversation with your spouse about the desires you have for your marriage. It would be important to make this into a regular conversation each week and to create a Marriage Design Book. Add, change, and create more to your book each week. It keeps it fresh, alive, and in the forefront of your mind.  By doing this, you will make your marriage YOUR design. Take the time to create the marriage you desire or life will do it for you!